I have met more complete duds via online dating than I have actually come across in real life. The issue is not that I have a problem attracting men, but that I tend to be attracted to all of the wrong ones. So like so many eligible women, I have sunk to the somewhat humiliating low of paying for an online dating service. Many of my girlfriends have done it and plenty of guys have their own nightmare stories to tell. And if there is one common theme, it is that bad dates are as abundant as apples in the online dating world, despite the gleeful testimonials of glossy strangers. For a young, attractive woman, online dating should be a breeze. It’s not. When inundated with emails from every guy you’ve seen at the grocery store that you tacitly rated a 3 on a 10 point scale- it’s not really easy to get stoked about meeting anyone. But then- as if he were a beacon of light, there appears your online hunk- his profile is great: He can spell, he has a sense of humor, and there are no pictures of him holding up guns or posing ostentatiously by a sports car. So you put yourself out there. You exchange a few emails. You exchange numbers. And finally . . . you meet. He’s not like his picture, his voice is shrill and annoying and he smells like a flea collar. Talk about anti-climactic. What were you thinking? You power through the date, maintaining a forced positive attitude and a polite manner- which he misconstrues as genuine interest. Oblivious of your body language, he leans in for an awkward, slobbery kiss. And you paid 35 dollars a month for this service? Some women even go so far as to accept a second date- a move triggered by their sheer disappointment and looming desperation. We thought this one was it. Boy, were we wrong. But we keep doing it, hoping, holding out- running home and checking our email for a sliver of an ego boost- the one we get from the average looking guy who “winks” at us via internet. What the hell is an online wink, anyway? And what do I do with that?
In a conversation with two of my girlfriends, I observed that typically, women join online dating services out of depression or desperation- whereas men join the same services in an attempt to lure multiple women into the bedroom. A match made in heaven? Hardly. Granted, there are exceptions to the rule- there always are- but it’s all too disappointing when you meet up with these earnest types only to discover that the chemistry between you is reminiscent of a date you had in the eighth grade.
Bad Dates
The Usual Suspects
The Overly Confident Hunk/Moron
He’s hot. He knows it. He likes talking about himself. A lot. While out with him, you can’t seem to hold his attention, as his eyes move across the room, checking out waitresses while vapidly explaining to you his goal of going from “personal trainer” to “gym owner”. He tries to use your name in conversation, but gets it wrong, calling you “Ashley” instead of Alice. You’re wondering what his penis looks like, but you can’t seem to stand listening to him long enough to want to find out. He text messages you a week later at three in the morning.
The Socially Awkward Success Story
He’s spent so much time honing his craft that he forgot that women existed. He has the sexual I.Q. of a fifteen-year-old. When you meet, he’s so nervous that it is displaced onto you- and the two of you stumble awkwardly through conversation, until an entire bottle of wine later, you’re drunk- and you “accidentally” sleep with him.
The Kid
He’s not your usual type- but he’s so darn cute, you take a chance. He picks you up in his Toyota Camry and takes you to a bar. You drink and flirt, admiring his boyish charm. He takes you back to his place. There is a poster of Bob Marley on the wall and a collection of Maxims in the bathroom. Don’t do it, girl.
The Guy Who Thinks He’s Funny
You silently wonder if he has prepared talking points in advance as he rambles on, amused with himself, pausing to chuckle and look to you for acknowledgement. You politely laugh and he keeps going, encouraged. He tries to include the waiter in the conversation, awkwardly making inappropriate jokes and smiling so big that you can see his dental work. You wonder if he is on drugs then notice that he is sweating profusely. If you have to have more than three drinks to tolerate your date’s presence- it’s not going to work out.
First Date Etiquette:
Signs to tell when you should just cut your losses and bail
• He shows up to the date wearing a jean jacket
• He brings sex into the conversation but refers to it as “intercourse”
• On the first date, he reads aloud a poem to you that he has written himself. About you.
• He comes very close to getting into a fight while navigating through the bar/restaurant.
• He attempts to sing to you.
• He shows up drunk, but thinks you don’t notice.
• He can’t stop talking about his ex girlfriend.
• He acts like a cheapskate, telling you that he would prefer it if you didn’t order anything on the menu that was “too pricey”.
• He looks you over and mutters something under his breath.
Excuses to use in order to bail:
• With a worried expression, frantically whisper to him that you just got your period and need to leave. If you’re bold, smash a ketchup packet in your hand and show him the “blood” on your hands. He’ll never call again. Two birds with one stone.
• Have a friend text you mid-date to check in. If it is going poorly, pretend like that friend is stranded and needs you to come pick her up from the E.R. If he calls later, act is if there was a tragedy and that you’re too distraught to talk.
• Fake a panic attack. It takes skill, but it will send him running.
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